Here Goes

I'm guessing that the first post of any blog should include a slight explaination of the purpose of it's existence.  So here goes....

For the last week or so, I feel that God has been calling me to start a blog for several reasons.  First, I need an outlet.  As the parent of a special needs chld, life can be somewhat isolating.  And it's not that friends and other people I know aren't supportive of our situation, I fully realize that I am completely capable of isolating myself from others.  But I admit it's a flaw and I'm working on that.  Unfortunately, while I try on a daily basis not to compare my child with other children, it's nearly impossible not to.  And while I greatly enjoy meeting other moms that understand the sacrifices one must make for their children, very rarely do I come across a mother that understands raising a child that has special needs.  This weekend, for instance, has been very difficult for me.  I was at a gathering with several other moms and they are all talking about their 6-year-olds learning foreign languages and playing musical instruments.  That's definitely something to brag about.  But the self-pity came out in me and I was broken.  What in the world could I contibute to a conversation like that?  Especially as she was coming up to me because she couldn't get her shoes on by herself.  Should I chime in and say "Hey, my child learned how to say (insert basic English word) correctly this week!"  I can only imagine that I would appear sarcastic toward other moms, despite the fact that this was a major accomplishment for my child.  I can't imagine Kennedy being at a point where she could speak another language or play an instrument.  Right now, I just want her to figure out how to hold a pencil or to be able to correctly pronounce certain sounds (and there are SO many that need to be correcting).  It's a mother's nature, I know, to brag about the things that a child can accomplish, but when the "small" things are "big" things with my child, I feel that my stories just would never stack up against the rest.  And I highly doubt other moms would even come close to understanding how proud I was of Kennedy acheiving something their 2-year-old is doing flawlessly.  I also feel that I always have to justify things for Kennedy.  I have to explain that we can participate in certain group outings because Kennedy has to get in bed by 7:30 or she's more prone to seizures.  Or I have to explain that Kennedy is so messy when she eats because she has tremors in her limbs that my it difficult not to spill things on her. I feel like every moment I am awake, I'm constantly explaining why my child doesn't quite measure up to society's definition of "normal." (I hate that word)

So this leads me to the second reason I feel called to start this blog.  If I look back over the last few months and even years, I can see so much that Kennedy has accomplished!  But it's the day-to-day life that can seem so daunting.  Often, it's hard to take it "one day at a time" when little or no progress can be seen in one day.  This "chronicle" so to speak can be a testimony of God's work in my child.  So that when times get tough and it seems that she is making no progress at all, I can go back and look at the things she has accomplished over time.  For instance, I was told Kennedy would never walk or talk.

(Let me insert at this point that my entire computer had just shut down and I thought I had lost this entire post.  I think someone is trying to work against me here, if you know what I mean)

Back to my thought......I was told that Kennedy would never walk or talk.  And while I am so incredibly thankful for God's blessings, sometimes it's very hard to lose sight of what she has accomplished because I'm constantly being reminded of the things she can't do.  By sharing the accomplishments here, I'll be able to go back during those stormy times and look at all that she was able to do despite being told she "couldn't" do it.  I feel that God wants me to do this so that when I'm struggling to get myself out of bed and I'm asking "Where are you, God?"  I can see that he's been here all along, even when I couldn't see Him.  In the past, I have been so angry with God because I know He has the power to take this away, but He hasn't.  And I keep reminding myself of Jeremiah 29:11 (my favorite) and that God has a plan for us. 

As I said earlier, I had a self-pity moment this weekend after the gathering I attended yesterday and I've struggled with every minute this entire weekend with sadness and pessimism.  Our family got up this morning to get ready for church and I told my husband, Jeremy, that I just couldn't go.  I was just so down and out and while my head was telling me that church was where I needed to be, my heart was begging me to go back to bed and sleep the day away.  But I gathered myself and we went to church and I heard the exact message that I needed to hear.  The sermon was on seeing past your problems to God and how important it is to look to God when you are going through the good AND the bad times in life.  It's something I struggle with, but I'm starting today.  While I know this won't be an easy journey, I am making a choice to strengthen my relationship with God and not to stray when times get rough down this road.  Thanks for joining me in this process and I look forward to sharing Kennedy's successes with you along the way.